Before having children, you might have anticipated mealtimes as a peaceful time for nourishment and connection, but now they feel like a source of stress, frustration and dread. If you've ever wondered why mealtimes feel like a constant struggle, with kids running away from the table, meltdowns, or taking forever to eat, there might be a bigger picture at play than simply bad manners.
There has been a significant shift in parenting strategies over the years. In the past, adults judged children's behaviour on external compliance and thought of it as good or bad, with little consideration of the underlying reasons and care for the emotional world of a child.
Today, many parents are more attentive to their children's psychological well-being and are more likely to view their child's behaviour as a form of communication. This means that parents want to understand why their child behaves in a certain way rather than simply punishing them for "misbehaving".
I have to point out that mealtimes can be complex, and in this blog, I will discuss only one aspect, namely dysregulation at mealtimes. So, if you are interested in how our nervous system works and want to explore how dysregulation can manifest at the table through the lens of Polyvagal Theory (or Dan Siegel's Zones of Regulation), you have come to the right place.
Understanding Our Nervous System
Our nervous system constantly scans the environment, assessing for safety and threats (called neuroception). A common theory is that these signals spontaneously trigger our neurobiological mechanisms by activating the parasympathetic (calming) or sympathetic (arousing) response. Our response to these signals will be unique due to various reasons, for example, genetics, sensory personality, history of trauma, and neurodivergence.
So far, we know the nervous system looks for signals from three places:
Outside: The most obvious are signals from the outside environment. Thunder may trigger the sympathetic system, signalling danger. In contrast, the soothing sound of rain may activate a parasympathetic response, relaxing tension and informing the mind and body that it is safe.
Within:Â The nervous system listens internally for signs of danger. Fatigue, pain, or fever can all cause a shift in our autonomic nervous system. In some people, the hunger or fullness sensation can also trigger the nervous system.
Between:Â These signals come from the interplay between nervous systems (mostly humans and mammals). For example, a dog wagging its tail is a signal of safety, and a dog showing its teeth is one of danger. In turn, they trigger reactions in our system. When safety cues are received, they can trigger a neurobiological response that transmits a safety signal back, resulting in feelings of connection and closeness.
Now, let's consider mealtimes through a nervous system lens. What are signs that your children are acting out of dysregulation?
5 Signs of Dysregulation at Mealtimes
1. Meltdowns and fighting:
The most obvious to notice is physical meltdowns before mealtimes. These meltdowns express overwhelming emotions like frustration that can't be communicated verbally. This can be the body's way of trying to signal distress.
2. Hiding, fleeing or pushing plates or foods away:Â
This might look like disappearing before mealtime starts, hiding under the table or pushing food or plates away. The body attempts to escape a perceived threat.
3. Taking Forever to Eat:Â
Slow and hesitant eating can be a sign of sensory sensitivities or the body shutting down.
4. Zoning Out at Meals:Â
Dissociation or appearing lost in thought can be the body's way of escaping a stressful situation.
5. Surrender with distress:
Looks like the person is taking bites of non-preferred foods but gags or clearly has a negative eating experience. This might be followed up with the repeated need for approval, "Did you see I ate the cauliflower?"
Most adults find it challenging to identify their feelings and understand why they have become dysregulated, which can be even more challenging for young children. My next blog explores why dysregulation can manifest at the table.
Moving Towards Mealtime Harmony
By understanding the science behind dysregulation, we can approach mealtimes with more compassion and support. I know you are the same as me and we want our homes to be a place of safety for our children. I want them to have a positive association with mealtimes. That doesn't mean a place of no boundaries or a "free-for-all", but rather freedom within boundaries.
I hope to provide you with an internal mental shift, not tricks or manipulations (which is usually the case with many feeding strategies). I often find that we see the biggest change when we can reframe our challenge. However, some of you might only be starting out learning about the nervous system, and I wanted to leave you with examples of strategies that have worked for some of my clients.
Here are some examples of ways to support your child's nervous system around mealtimes:
Pay attention to your feelings and reactions. Practice self-compassion and find ways to self-regulate before and during meals so you can provide co-regulation and support for your children.
Weave in sensory regulation throughout the day for your child - you could discuss this with an occupational therapist who focuses on nervous system regulation. Experiment with different sensory regulation strategies like dancing, jumping on boxes or blowing bubbles before mealtimes.
Look at the meal environment through a sensory lens (using what you already know about your child in other settings) and experiment with different accommodations for light, sound, seating, and smell.
Create a predictable and flexible meal schedule so children can come to the table with an appetite but not overly hungry and dysregulated.
Reduce non-responsive feeding practices, such as pressure to eat, finishing plates, or taking a certain number of bites. A helpful phrase is "You don't have to eat it."
Increase access to sensory-safe food to empower individuals and reduce overwhelm. Serve meals deconstructed or "family-style" and give them more autonomy on what to plate.
Experiment with adding some novelty (or micro-changes) at mealtimes.
As parents and caregivers, we are empowered to create a positive and relaxed mealtime experience for everyone by being more attentive to our children's (and our own) nervous systems. Every family is unique, and what works for one family doesn't always work for another. That is why responsive feeding can look very different between two households.
If you're struggling to understand your child's behaviour or make this mental shift, please send me a message, and we can discuss ways to work together to provide 1-2-1 coaching and personalised strategies for creating a more peaceful and nourishing meal experience for everyone.
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