As parents, we have different ways of raising and feeding our families. Our parenting style is shaped by our cultural background, life experiences, personality, and our children's unique temperament. Sometimes, we may try one approach and later switch to another.
Although parents may have different parenting styles, I find certain concepts in feeding children essential to support children in developing a psychologically healthy relationship with food. Unfortunately, many common feeding practices for children are not research-based and can be unhelpful or even harmful. Often, misconceptions influenced by bias result in well-intentioned but unhelpful advice on feeding children, leading to negative outcomes.
Feeding your family confidently requires a strong foundation. I discuss these four key concepts with the families I work with, and each family's details differ.
1. Prioritise felt safety and the feeding relationship.
Feeding an infant or a child is not just about providing them with essential nutrients and satisfying their hunger. It is a means to establish a strong safety and security bond with our children, ultimately contributing to their sense of attachment and identity. While it is important to ensure that children have access to nourishing foods, prioritising what a child eats over the relationship with their parent or caregiver is not helpful and can even be detrimental. The relationship between a child and their caregiver is critical and should never be overlooked.
“…harmony, love and connection are more important than vegetables and are likely to help with the long-term goal of raising a child who enjoys eating them.”
Katja Rowell, M.D.
It is essential to understand that responsive feeding is not permissive feeding. It does not mean a "free for all" scenario in which children can eat whatever and whenever they want. Instead, it means prioritising the child's sense of safety and supporting their autonomy while providing guidance, structure, and consistency. As a caregiver, adapting to your child's experiences and reactions is crucial to ensuring their overall well-being.
2. Implement a Predictable and Flexible Feeding Routine*
Planning for and making food available at dependable times is your most important responsibility when feeding a child. Routine builds trust and helps your child to come to meals and snacks with an appetite (but not starving and dysregulated), which supports optimal eating habits.
For healthy children over a year old, this generally means making nourishing food available ~4 to 5 times a day, at regular intervals, with water always available. Some kids might need to eat more frequently, and others less. There is always room for flexibility, making contextual decisions on exact feeding times and schedules. For example, serving an appetiser of chopped carrots or apples if dinner is later than usual. Although there are some cases where grazing or “rolling snacks" can be effective (e.g. for Autistic PDAer or those with Ehlers-Danlos syndrome), I normally advise against it.
“The foundational steps in ensuring that a child retains their innate ability around hunger and fullness are consistency and trust in infancy and beyond. It’s the internal wisdom that forms the basis of Intuitive eating.”
Elyse Resch, Intuitive Eating Dietitian
If you are experiencing food insecurity and struggling to consistently get enough of the foods you want to serve your family, I am sorry you are dealing with this burden. Food insecurity is traumatic and a major social justice issue in our world. This New York Times article provides some tips into how food-insecure households stretch their meals.
3. Parents and caregivers keep to their roles of what and where to feed a child.
The feeding relationship works best if you, the adult, are responsible for deciding what is served and where eating should happen (as your child matures into a teenager, some of these responsibilities may start to shift). Because you are the expert on your family, you can make responsive accommodations, for example, changing the lighting and reducing the noise if your child has sensory processing differences. It also means you know your family’s likes and dislikes and can ensure you serve at least one or two foods your child will eat at every meal (in extremely selective or restrictive food intake situations, you will need to discuss with your healthcare practitioner to incorporate more options).
Responsive feeding is not about ignoring nutrition science and health. It adds to it. Helpful feeding practices highlight a positive relationship with food as the pathway to optimising long-term, sustainable nutrition.
4. It is the child’s responsibility to decide how much and if they eat.
It is not the responsibility of a parent or caregiver to get a child (through incentives or force) to eat a specific number of bites or to finish their plate of food (the only expectation is with body image-related eating disorders such as Anorexia Nervosa).
Allowing children to explore various foods on their own terms and respecting their right to say no or stop eating when they want can help them learn about consent, boundaries, and self-advocacy. Research has consistently shown that children develop a healthier relationship with food when they can choose if and how much they eat. On the other hand, restricting a child's food intake or using coercive feeding practices can lead to worse eating habits and compromise the child's sense of safety and connection, which can significantly affect their long-term relationship with food.
Establishing a healthy feeding relationship with your child is crucial to building long-term healthy eating habits. Knowing your responsibilities in this area and keeping to them is essential.
It may seem simple, but some people find it challenging to implement, mainly if they were not raised this way or if their partner disagrees. Please don't hesitate to reach out if you need additional support in implementing these practices in real-life situations.
*Parents of newborns and infants should breastfeed or provide milk on demand or the schedule provided by your healthcare provider.
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